27 Real-World Truths and Chuckles

"In what sense has Maria Shriver ever lived in the real world?" my husband, Bill, asked me over breakfast. He held up a full-page magazine ad showing that Shriver has a book out called Ten Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Went Out Into the Real World.

"What?" I mumbled. I was nursing a deep scratch incurred while trying to toilet-train the cat. Bill shook the paper at me. "This, from the daughter of Eunice Kennedy Shriver and the wife of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Where's the real world in that?"

I have not peeked into that book (too busy with the Band-Aids), but I did ask dozens of people from the actual real world what they wish they had known. Here's a sampling:
1. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter. --DAN HENRY

2. If only someone had told me the body I loathed in my 20s would be the body I wistfully longed for in my 30s! --CYNTHIA BOCOBOC

3. Grace isn't a little prayer you chant before receiving a meal. It's a way to live. --JACKIE WINDSPEAR

4. No one who cannot train a dog to heel, sit and stay for at least ten minutes on command should be allowed to raise children. --ROBIN CLEMENTS

5. When buying a car, skip zippy and snazzy, and go directly to practical and running. --MARILYN PENLAND

6. A woman needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape. --PHYLLIS WINTER

7. The five most essential words for a healthy relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right." --TERRY DUKE

8. Pull over for the idiots and let them pass even when you're going pretty fast already. --MIKE SOCHACKI

9. Show up, pay attention, speak from the heart, and don't be attached to the outcome. --LYNNE BORSCHE

10. Liver really is good for you. --DR. MARK SLOAN

11. Never marry a man who hates his mother. --BETH CLEMENTS

12. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. --LAIKO BAHRS

13. I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself, "Will this matter a year from now? A month? A week? A day?" --VALORIE JACKSON

14. The shortest line is always the longest. --SUSAN G. SEITZ

15. Good sex should involve laughter. Because it's, you know, funny. --STEPHANIE LUCAS

16. When you realize you've made a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. --DAN HEIST

17. Make sure you leave something in this world besides clothes, a nice house and a stock portfolio. --SABRINA STEELE

18. You learn something new every day if you pay attention. --RAY LEBLOND

19. Don't supply the rocks that are to be thrown at you. --GENE DALY

20. Never leave a place where you're having a good time to go somewhere else where you only think you'll have a better time. --RICH LEBLOND

21. If he says you're too good for him, believe it. --DEBBIE FARSON

22. The best advice my mother ever gave me: "Go! You might meet somebody!" --SUSAN PIPER PRYOR

23. You will never, ever win an argument with a meter maid. --DEAN BACKUS

24. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. --ANDREA BOYDSTON

25. Never pass up an opportunity to use the rest room. --SALLY SANGER

26. Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children. --MARILYN PENLAND

27. And my contribution: When the instructions on the flimsy cat toilet-training device say, "The cat must weigh no more than 12 pounds," weigh the cat. --ADAIR LARA
 

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